I should preface this post.
The fact is, I shouldn’t even write this, because it may very well be fuel for a terrible fire. The tragedy I’m about to write about, isn’t a result of love, or even associated with it. Perhaps I’ll change the title before I post it.
What I want to reference starts at 1:12.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6qBZtMGgQ
This whole blog post should be started off with that excerpt from a recent episode of House MD.
A few months back, I met a girl at the Olive Garden. My brother worked with her, she seemed awesome. She was one of the few girls that actually seemed interested in the conversations my brother and I have and had her own viewpoint she threw in! Add to this all she was everything I would want in a girl, physically and mentally. Beautiful hazel eyes, gorgeous hair, incredible ass, inquisitive, and unafraid of change or challenge. She seemed willing to learn, willing to be introspective… I thought. Obviously with this kind of title and stage set, it’s not a happy blog post, but one I should make for myself, and to explain a situation.
I asked this girl out, hoping to figure out more about her, see who she is and find out if she was genuine. We dated and I had a blast. We laughed and seemed to hit it off very well, that night, I told her we should do it again some time. I went home and wrote, for the first time in a LONG time. I looked forward to the next time I would see her, that following Wednesday. We set up a second date. Had another awesome dinner, then hung out at a place she called the “903” saw some deer that walked right past the car… It was fantastic. I sent her a text one day a week after, and didn’t get a response. Felt kind of down and upset. I thought things were going so well. I was doing everything I could to be amazing. Come to find out the next day, she got into a very bad car accident. We texted while she was home ridden, but couldn’t go out very much, and couldn’t even work. I did what I could to hang around, even just meeting up at her house to hang out while she smoked. We were talking one night and said she really missed having these ice cream sandwiches she talked about. I jumped in my car, ironically, knowing that she probably said something for a reason, but I wanted to deliver. I felt bad for her situation and I thought it would brighten her spirits. I didn’t say anything immediately after she said she had a hankering for ice cream, and followed up with a text later that said “You might be surprised at what you find outside your front door.” I felt great after I did it, and after the responses she gave, I felt like I had given her a smile. It’s all I needed to know.
We started seeing each other regularly and time went by. I asked her what she was doing for New Years around that time, and she said she wasn’t sure. I invited her to Travis’ place and said maybe we should just go party hopping since we had a few invites around town. I wasn’t going to press but I was hoping. The week of new years came around, and she had decided to come to Travis’ place with me, though with the tentative plan of being open to going other places too. That night, we headed out to Travis’ place and she started drinking a little bit. I was going to stay sober that night, figured I’d drive anyway and I didn’t want to start my new year with a hangover. That night she started dancing, and a few other guys started dancing with her. I felt like I should try as well. (I’d emphasize the word try.) Time passed that night and a LOT of guys were talking to her. I blew it off, knowing she was a beautiful girl around a bunch of single guys at a house party. Then something odd happened. She kissed a guy and gave him her number. Again… I mostly blew it off but it still struck a chord. Granted we weren’t “exclusive” or whatever, but she had come at my request, and I felt pretty betrayed. I asked her about it later, and she told me the guy force himself on her… it became the subject of debate and upset between us, but every time we had a debate like this, we’d talk things over and I didn’t let it bother me. The subtext here, is that she could have easily pushed this guy away… but didn’t…
My brother and I used to hit buffalo wild wings every Tuesday, and on my way out one night (after 1 too many beers) I noticed her car in the parking lot, so I turned around and went to say hi. We talked for a while, and I went on my merry way. She hung around, said she was going to show her friend’s boyfriend the cologne/perfume she was selling to make some cash on the side, and was going to give him a ride home. So I took off and headed home. As I pulled into my parking space, I decided I wanted a beer at home, and turned around to go pick it up from the liquor store down the street. As I drove down Wadsworth about 5 minutes later, I looked over at Buffalo Wild Wings, and noticed her car still sitting in the parking lot, with the light on and two people leaning close. I reacted without thinking (and thanks to alcohol) and whirled around into the parking lot as the guy was getting out of her car, and she was starting to drive off. I pulled up close as she was turning out of the parking lot and gave her a half-confused and half angry look. I had no idea what to think, and the only thing going through my head was that she wasn’t giving me the whole story. She sent me a text and asked what the look was for. I told her, she got pissed and thought I was stalking her. I wanted to tell her to get over herself, but being a little too drunk and weepy, I just let emotion take over. I called upset and half in tears thinking I’d been screwed over and led on. She told me she wasn’t going to talk to me then, and ended the call. The next day, having returned to my senses, I figured it was over. Her birthday was the next weekend, and I wanted to do something awesome for her, but figured that was out the door.
I tried to keep in touch. The Saturday after her birthday party, I went on to do my usual routine, and got a text at about 9:15pm. The text was from this girl, telling me where her party was, and when it started, but was addressed to “everybody.” I figured it was a mass text, but the funny thing was… I got it at 9:15, not 9:00, when the text said her party started. So I sent a text back that said I’d be there later that night. Got back an “I don’t really care.” I went by the party and hung out with a few friends we both knew, didn’t say much to her, didn’t want to get in the way of this party she was having and figured she was still upset, but I had an invite so I figured I should show.
I left that night, just saying bye. We met up one Sunday and talked over coffee. It became a regular trend. As the school season started, she was still unemployed and we started to car pool on Tuesdays and Thursdays. She needed a ride to class, since I started work at the same time she started class. We talked about some of the incidents past, like the Buffalo Wild Wings thing, and she said she was upset because she thought I was stalking her. There were points I wanted to tell her to get over herself but I kept it to myself. I kept writing to her, as I had in the past (she has a notebook full of about 15-20 pages worth of letters and poems I wrote) but the letters started to change, as I kept pouring my heart out and never got much of anything back. She had told me about her ex, and that she still wasn’t over him and I thought to myself, well… so I’ve been pouring this out all for nothing? Again, it didn’t bother me. I figured I’d just hang on the sidelines. Let her get over the situation.
We always had a blast when we hung out together. We got giggly and silly just being around each other and no matter how pissed either of us could be, we always smiled when we were around one another, even if we were in the middle of an argument. She texted me one day while I was at work, really excited because she had gotten an interview at Old Chicago. I was really excited for her. That day, we went down to Subway before class, after I got off work. I met her at the Tivoli, as was often the norm. When I sat down with her, she asked me, “have you ever met someone so perfect you can’t help but think they’re lying to you?” I looked at her, smiled and said yes. She went on to explain that she had done some low-end background search through some website on her phone. I was curious, concerned it wasn’t me, but dropped the subject. She brought it back up. I finally asked her who it was, and she said she wouldn’t tell me, but it “definitely isn’t you.” Guesses on how I felt?
The letters I wrote got worse after that. She always told me she wanted the truth and wasn’t afraid of it, so I wrote the truth. I wrote how I felt and that I loved her, but I was feeling like I had been manipulated and frustrated. She got her job, and I wrote about my frustrations, every time I told her that all I wanted was something from her, on par with what I had given. She always responded saying she was saddened by the letters, and wanted to be left alone. So, that’s what I’ve done since.
There you have the story from the heart. But… that’s not what this was. Prior to asking this girl out, I had told myself that I wanted to make a foray into the world of emotionalism that I had left a long time ago. I wanted to go back and see what I missed. Well my project is now complete, and I write to extrapolate on my research. That’s right. Research. The thing is, I left behind a way of thinking. I used to be guided only by my heart and did nothing but react to the world around me. Now I follow my mind, and shape the world around me. I see how the world reacts to me, and how I work with the world. I stopped letting my spirit be so malleable and easily changed by the world and others around me, and I shaped myself and started analyzing the way I shape the world around me. My research was two fold. To discover what I may have left behind (which, by the way, I’ve found) and to read more into the nature of this girl’s mind, and how it relates to actions and behavior I’ve seen in others.
The entire time we were in contact, she “played a game” (for lack of a better word.) It was all some gigantic ruse for control and manipulation, as well as getting to know someone. I played the fool and followed the part to see if she was actually intending on attempting to use me for her own emotional satisfaction. There were a great many points during our “relationship” (if you could call it that) where she would try to blow me off, without making me think I was being blown off. I’d ask her out some night and she’d tell me she couldn’t because she had to stay in and study, or cite family reasons. We’d meet up later during the week and I’d find out through the course of our conversation, that she went to a movie with one of her friends. That’s just a small example of the daily dodging she did. She did it because she likely didn’t actually want to be around me, but didn’t want me to just disappear. She wanted me to feel something for her, and be around whenever she felt like it, gone when she didn’t… her own emotional satisfaction.
The best of all, were the baited text messages I’d receive. The best example of this was the text about her birthday party. She said she never sent it, yet I certainly received it. If it was a mass text, I would have received it when she sent it out to her friends (one of which I know) long before 9pm that night. I got it 15 minutes AFTER 9, when her party was dead and only a few people showed up. She said she didn’t send it, and showed her phone but frankly…. How else could I have received it? Magic? Another example would be recently after she told me she wanted to be left alone. She texted me about two weeks later, and said it was “imperative that we talk.” I told her I was free the next day, but she wasn’t. I told her to drop me a line when she was free. Think I heard back after that? Her entire purpose in sending me a text, was to see if I’d respond to her, see if she still had someone that would be around if she wanted them to. In so far as I can tell at this point, she’s found someone she’s interested in, so I haven’t heard anything from her since.
I could go into useless theories about what she seemed to want in a relationship (which, by the way was borderline abuse) but they don’t serve much purpose. The bigger interest for me, was this game she thought she had to play, and how she interacted with people. I simply gave her what she said she wanted, and she walked away. The truly strange thing, was that she presumed people would always put up the same façade she did, or that their intents were malevolent. Given her history, I could easily see where that kind of behavior came from. Yet, I still can’t get past the fact that, when given what she attempted to draw from someone, she walked away. Her only goal was to actually draw what she wanted out of someone, instead of it being given willingly. Her separation from her ex (as she described it) is a wonderful example. She had what she wanted, and tried to push it away for the sake of drawing it back.
What she expressed, acted and conveyed was that she wanted control and to be herself, but in truth, she wanted to BE controlled, in a manner of speaking. “Controlled” is perhaps a bad word to use to explain the situation (though on a deep, fundamental basis, that’s what it is.) It’s better explained as pursuit, or challenge. She wanted someone who would walk away from the game she played, so she could go after them. Someone she had to work to attain the affection and attention of. I say control, because really… that’s what she ultimately gave, by looking for a relationship in that context.
On a whole, what I’ve discovered is again, two fold. First is this game that some women play. It’s done to attempt to discover more about the person they’re interested in, or that is interested in them. An attempt at poking for strengths and weaknesses, socially. A good example would be the “necessity” test, which attempts to solicit a response from a guy to allude to their need or desire for a woman in a subvert way. There’s also consistency tests, that attempt to prove statements that a guy has made about what he’s done or who he is. The other purpose of this game is for the sake of “fun” and what seems to be an outward method of “Sparking” the fire of a relationship, or “drawing” it out of someone. Like a halfway meditated game to try and feel something with another person. The biggest irony about this little game, is that… it doesn’t really work for much of anything. Often times the analysis made by woman (and men) that participate in this game is wholly false. The people who play the game well are trying to attract another, and end up putting on a huge façade for the sake of that attraction, ultimately conveying a false image about themselves (which they likely aren’t comfortable with in the first place.) The end result is falling in love with someone who, in all actuality, isn’t the kind of person that “works well” with you, or that you actually want to spend a lot of time with. The opposite is also true, becoming someone you really aren’t for the sake of finding someone you think you want. Entering into the situation with truth and honesty about yourself ultimately alienates you from the game.
The second discovery, is the cat-like behavior I’ve seen. Cats often run from direct attention and love, unless they’re conditioned differently. The best way to obtain attention from a cat, is to ignore it or give it reason for curiosity or challenge, and the cat comes running to try and get your attention. Cats want to “earn” the affection they get. (This is an analogy to the behavior I saw before, and I may believe, the reason for the analogy between cats and some women.) Now obviously not all women operate in this manner, and I certainly don’t want to give B. F. Skinner too much credit (since I disagree with him on many fundamental levels, and advocate for free will) but some people are “conditioned” differently, others just realize exactly what they want, and make no facades about it. I will admit, I’ve met few women who truly act without the facade, and without the games. (And have been attracted to most every woman that has.)
At the end of this whole situation, I’m not sure whether or not I should feel pity for this person, or whether or not it’s just a phase of development. She has a great personality in many ways, a great sense of what life should be, but throws it all away to fear and her desire to follow someone, instead of making something of herself, and finding someone she has to fight to gain the attention she seeks. I also kind of feel bad about defaulting on who I am for the sake of this research project, but at the same time, I’m glad having learned what I did. I told her once she taught me so much. What she doesn’t realize, is that it isn’t “taught” in a pedagogical sense of the word, but more from an observational sense. What I learned from her, I learned in how she acted. Even when she got upset at me, she told me everything about who she is and why she reacted that way.
Someone once told me that she may be a great date in about 5 years. For this girl’s sake, I hope they’re right.
So, there you have the story of the last four months of my life. Glad to have learned what I did, and glad to be getting back to myself.
