Please note: While this is exactly what was going through my head, I do have a flair for the overly dramatic. Please keep this in mind as you read.
All,
Today is my birthday. I'd like to think that there is at least one day a year that we can tell everyone just how we feel, without people judging, hating, disagreeing or looking down on us. Maybe that's what a birthday should be, instead of an excuse to party, get drunk and take the day off. Using similar words, we could also call it a "sick day." Just replace "party" with "sleep" and "get drunk" with "Take lots of meds."
"So I walked upon high. And I stopped within the edge, to see my world below... and I laughed at myself while the tears rolled down, 'cause it's the world I have known..."
I linked a youtube video on my facebook page. This is often how I feel every day as I watch the world work. People on the light rail. Friends and family. Relationships I've set in motion, and ones I've stopped. People's reactions to me and the world around them. Politics. Philosophy. Economics. Humanity.
It brings me to tears daily. Watching violence in the world, among people. Watching politics brawl it out over minutia, like "saving the economy" and gay marriage. The whole while the Pedagogy tries to cram a particular political ideal down the throats of the college bound and politicians vie for constituency through populism and misdirected fiscal oppression of groups the "public" views as bad.
To the Christians that might get upset at the idea of gay marriage:
Who are you to execute the will of God on your fellow human beings? Right or wrong, it is, and was never for you to decide. Let them come before St. Peter for judgment.
In the same context - To the liberals and conservatives: Is it not ironic, that your own modern politics seeks the same thing? To impose their version of morality on the whole of society?
Our society is enveloped in the idea of imposing our notions of right and wrong on our neighbors. Some have even come to believe that it's not possible to be politically free, without doing so. We've forgotten the difference between freedom from and freedom to. We've lost the core of what makes a right "inalienable."
Every action we take, is an exchange. We debate and trade criticisms we ourselves, do not see. We speak and exchange ideas, and good will. We trade goods, and exchange what we can produce, for that we cannot. We exchange our masculine traits for the feminine ones we do not possess. We burn fuel or catch wind to spin a turbine, and exchange heat or force into energy. The essence of all of nature relies on exchanges. Even microorganisms - Mitochondria allows the lungs to exchange CO2 for O2.
Yet as I see the world attempt to force these transactions between existents, as I see people forced to do business with others, forced to pay sums for nothing, forced to continue when they've said "no more, I'm done" I can't help but feel pained. As I watch Christians attempt to impose their ideology on the homosexual. As Liberals and Conservatives alike attempt to impose their morality on one another's politics. As a thief imposes his will upon a victim to get a paycheck.
"One of the judges, acting as prosecutor, had read the charges.
"You may now offer whatever plea you wish to make in your own defence," he announced. Facing the platform, his voice inflectionless and peculiarly clear, Hank Rearden answered:
"I have no defence."
"Do you --" The judge stumbled; he had not expected it to be that easy. "Do you throw yourself upon the mercy of this court?"
"I do not recognise this court's right to try me."
"What?"
"I do not recognise this court's right to try me."
"But, Mr. Rearden, this is the legally appointed court to try this particular category of crime."
"I do not recognise my action as a crime."
"But you have admitted that you have broken our regulations controlling the sale of your Metal."
"I do not recognise your right to control the sale of my Metal."
"Is it necessary for me to point out that your recognition was not required?"
"No. I am fully aware of it and I am acting accordingly."
He noted the stillness of the room. By the rules of the complicated pretence which all those people played for one another's benefit, they should have considered his stand as incomprehensible folly; there should have been rustles of astonishment and derision; there were none; they sat still; they understood.
"Do you mean that you are refusing to obey the law?" asked the judge.
"No. I am complying with the law - to the letter. Your law holds that my life, my work and my property may be disposed of without my consent. Very well, you may now dispose of me without my participation in the matter. I will not play the part of defending myself, where no defence is possible, and I will not simulate the illusion of dealing with a tribunal of justice."
"But, Mr. Rearden, the law provides specifically that you are to be given an opportunity to present your side of the case and to defend yourself."
"A prisoner brought to trial can defend himself only if there is an objective principle of justice recognised by his judges, a principle upholding his rights, which they may not violate and which he can invoke. The law, by which you are trying me, holds that there are no principles, that I have no rights and that you may do with me whatever you please. Very well. Do it." "Mr. Rearden, the law which you are denouncing is based on the highest principle - the principle of the public good."
"Who is the public? What does it hold as its good? There was a time when men believed that 'the good' was a concept to be defined by a code of moral values and that no man had the right to seek his good through the violation of the rights of another. If it is now believed that my fellow men may sacrifice me in any manner they please for the sake of whatever they deem to be their own good, if they believe that they may seize my property simply because they need it - well, so does any burglar. There is only this difference: the burglar does not ask me to sanction his act.""
These are the things that bring tears to my eyes. The core of what depression I experience. This is the world I have known. In many ways, I wish to no longer be a part of it - Yet I cannot simply turn and walk away, the action of suicide it's self, being immoral and contradictory as I cannot value anything if I'm dead. Plus, there's so much good in this world, at times, I can't help feeling anything but gratitude, for every single moment of my stupid little life.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
from Facebook.
A Franklin quote, to identify...
"Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman."
Unfortunately, at this juncture in my life, an exceedingly large percentage of women still wholly exist and define themselves through beauty, having not yet come to grips with the diminution inevitably caused by age. Ergo, the link. "If I tear you open wide, take a look inside are you pretty? Can I get inside your mind, see what i can find, are you pretty? So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you're only... pretty on the outside."
Another Ben Franklin Quote on older women...
"Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable."
Read: Older women are far more pleasant to talk to.
Last one:
"Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement."
Read: This is the paper bag effect, as quoted on June 25, 1745, by Benjamin Franklin... And you all think we're so innovative and new with our ideas, two hundred years later.
Am I saying the "less than attractive" women are better? No. I'm just saying that for the most part, the VAST majority of women my age put so much into their own appearance (that most don't even realize) that they have spent little to no time developing the intellectual faculties that would make a relationship enjoyable.
Ergo, they attract assholes who don't give a damn about anything beyond the way they look... - "Yeah brah. I hit that." And having spent so much time riding on the influence their own aesthetics achieve (both through employment benefits and social ones), they never discover what a real relationship could be, and only understand what relationships have been. It isn't until much later, when their physical beauty begins to wane, that many realize what a real relationship could be - Right about the time their husbands tell them they're fat and are only still married because of their kids (but are likely cheating on them with their hot secretary at work.) But don't get me wrong. Men are shallow too, I just lack the perspective, as that's not really my bag.
I know what makes me unattractive to most women in my age group. The word is Machismo. My current stance on the issue: if women want something that will hump an ottoman to show it's dominance, go buy a dog.
"Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman."
Unfortunately, at this juncture in my life, an exceedingly large percentage of women still wholly exist and define themselves through beauty, having not yet come to grips with the diminution inevitably caused by age. Ergo, the link. "If I tear you open wide, take a look inside are you pretty? Can I get inside your mind, see what i can find, are you pretty? So just take off that disguise, everyone knows that you're only... pretty on the outside."
Another Ben Franklin Quote on older women...
"Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable."
Read: Older women are far more pleasant to talk to.
Last one:
"Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement."
Read: This is the paper bag effect, as quoted on June 25, 1745, by Benjamin Franklin... And you all think we're so innovative and new with our ideas, two hundred years later.
Am I saying the "less than attractive" women are better? No. I'm just saying that for the most part, the VAST majority of women my age put so much into their own appearance (that most don't even realize) that they have spent little to no time developing the intellectual faculties that would make a relationship enjoyable.
Ergo, they attract assholes who don't give a damn about anything beyond the way they look... - "Yeah brah. I hit that." And having spent so much time riding on the influence their own aesthetics achieve (both through employment benefits and social ones), they never discover what a real relationship could be, and only understand what relationships have been. It isn't until much later, when their physical beauty begins to wane, that many realize what a real relationship could be - Right about the time their husbands tell them they're fat and are only still married because of their kids (but are likely cheating on them with their hot secretary at work.) But don't get me wrong. Men are shallow too, I just lack the perspective, as that's not really my bag.
I know what makes me unattractive to most women in my age group. The word is Machismo. My current stance on the issue: if women want something that will hump an ottoman to show it's dominance, go buy a dog.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
A conversation between me and my brother.
Me: ... Thanks dude.
My Brother: No Problemo.
Me: Question, does gratitude in this context carry any more or less weight than it would if it was spoken?
My brother: Wall of text warning...
Me: In truth, I already know what you'll say, and I already understand it. I'm just trying to imply that there's something else in the background. But please, wall of text me.
My brother: What more is there in the background? The nature of our relationship carries with it an understanding that, usually, implies gratitude.
Me: Never in my life have I had a relationship wherein the implication of that nature was so obvious that I KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt that gratitude was there. Not with you, not with Dad, not with a woman or anyone else in this world. I've come close with two people, you and one other. I've spoken before of my mild Misogyny. It's because I don't believe that women are capable of understanding on that level. In fact, I wonder if ANYONE is so similar to myself, male or female, that a bond of that nature is possible.
So, I'll admit... I compromise. A life barren and devoid of social contact would be far worse in my eyes, than one of empty but present relationships.
In truth, I've yet to find a fulfilling personal relationship with much of anyone, beyond perhaps you and Jonathan. But even that's on the border.
Dad thinks my expectations are too high... I'm starting to agree.
My brother: I know, and that is one of the things that causes a rift in our relationship which impedes upon the level of understanding necessary to truly understand emotions implied within a relationship like that. - In reference to what I said a few lines ago, by the way.
Me: What? My desire to have a personal relationship, even if it's empty, or knowledge of gratitude without explicit statement?
My brother: I mean specifically in our relationship.
Me: well right, you realize though, that you're asking for the same thing religion does?
My brother: Nah. For example, what I mean in regards to us, is that your desire for social contact, even if it is mostly empty is not something I desire, and can only relate to on the minor level of understanding the degree of loneliness associated with strict guidelines as to whom I'm willing to associate and make a connection.
It's a pretty fundamental difference between our values regarding ourselves and humanity which impedes on the level of connection and understanding with which words are often unnecessary.
Me: So, I guess I'm just left wondering why I hold such a value in social interaction. Well, I mean I know... but...
My brother: It's not that it is less of a value to me than it is to you, I'm just unwilling to compromise my standards in regards to who I consider a friend no matter how painful and lonely it might get.
Me: Doesn't it ever make you feel horrible though?
My brother: Sure, but it makes me feel worse to hang out with people with whom I share little to no connection, and with whom I'm forced to be someone I'm not to try and force a connection that's not there.
Me: Then I'm wondering why I feel better when I'm hanging out with people I'm not really connected with... thought often times I don't. I just think I have a hard time coping with the loneliness.
My brother: Possibly, and I don't blame you. It sucks ass.
Me: I think that "sucks ass" is where I stop and go... "well why not? Maybe there's something there I'm missing?"
My brother: Maybe, and if it makes you happy to hang out with people, even if you don't share any connection at all, then go for it.
Me: It does and it doesn't. In the end I'm still alone. It's really just a bandaid. Covers the problem for the time being, but it doesn't really solve anything.
A lot of people are at a state of perpetual human contact, and never really realize their relationships are probably pretty empty. They maintain a "high" of sorts for a very long time and never really have a relationship that's significant enough to fill the entire void. I think I realize that's what I'm looking for, but the knowledge of such a lack is killing me.
My brother: The knowledge that most people subsist on that shallowness, and never really go any further?
Me: No, the knowledge that I want a real relationship, that the rest are mostly shallow and that I feel like shit without one.
My drive to diagnose and resolve is what drives me nuts. As a corollary, this is why I like House.
My brother: I wish I could be of more help to you, aside from just telling you to stick to your guns.
Me: That's probably the best advice you could give, really.
The problem I have, is that I need to accept the fact that not everything is "Diagnose and resolve."
My brother: That's pretty much what it is, really. However "resolve" is sometimes your acceptance that no further action is possible.
Me: That's the hard part.
Spontaneous conversation we have. It's pretty awesome. Still working on resolving that issue... though perhaps, there's nothing else for me to do right now.
My Brother: No Problemo.
Me: Question, does gratitude in this context carry any more or less weight than it would if it was spoken?
My brother: Wall of text warning...
Me: In truth, I already know what you'll say, and I already understand it. I'm just trying to imply that there's something else in the background. But please, wall of text me.
My brother: What more is there in the background? The nature of our relationship carries with it an understanding that, usually, implies gratitude.
Me: Never in my life have I had a relationship wherein the implication of that nature was so obvious that I KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt that gratitude was there. Not with you, not with Dad, not with a woman or anyone else in this world. I've come close with two people, you and one other. I've spoken before of my mild Misogyny. It's because I don't believe that women are capable of understanding on that level. In fact, I wonder if ANYONE is so similar to myself, male or female, that a bond of that nature is possible.
So, I'll admit... I compromise. A life barren and devoid of social contact would be far worse in my eyes, than one of empty but present relationships.
In truth, I've yet to find a fulfilling personal relationship with much of anyone, beyond perhaps you and Jonathan. But even that's on the border.
Dad thinks my expectations are too high... I'm starting to agree.
My brother: I know, and that is one of the things that causes a rift in our relationship which impedes upon the level of understanding necessary to truly understand emotions implied within a relationship like that. - In reference to what I said a few lines ago, by the way.
Me: What? My desire to have a personal relationship, even if it's empty, or knowledge of gratitude without explicit statement?
My brother: I mean specifically in our relationship.
Me: well right, you realize though, that you're asking for the same thing religion does?
My brother: Nah. For example, what I mean in regards to us, is that your desire for social contact, even if it is mostly empty is not something I desire, and can only relate to on the minor level of understanding the degree of loneliness associated with strict guidelines as to whom I'm willing to associate and make a connection.
It's a pretty fundamental difference between our values regarding ourselves and humanity which impedes on the level of connection and understanding with which words are often unnecessary.
Me: So, I guess I'm just left wondering why I hold such a value in social interaction. Well, I mean I know... but...
My brother: It's not that it is less of a value to me than it is to you, I'm just unwilling to compromise my standards in regards to who I consider a friend no matter how painful and lonely it might get.
Me: Doesn't it ever make you feel horrible though?
My brother: Sure, but it makes me feel worse to hang out with people with whom I share little to no connection, and with whom I'm forced to be someone I'm not to try and force a connection that's not there.
Me: Then I'm wondering why I feel better when I'm hanging out with people I'm not really connected with... thought often times I don't. I just think I have a hard time coping with the loneliness.
My brother: Possibly, and I don't blame you. It sucks ass.
Me: I think that "sucks ass" is where I stop and go... "well why not? Maybe there's something there I'm missing?"
My brother: Maybe, and if it makes you happy to hang out with people, even if you don't share any connection at all, then go for it.
Me: It does and it doesn't. In the end I'm still alone. It's really just a bandaid. Covers the problem for the time being, but it doesn't really solve anything.
A lot of people are at a state of perpetual human contact, and never really realize their relationships are probably pretty empty. They maintain a "high" of sorts for a very long time and never really have a relationship that's significant enough to fill the entire void. I think I realize that's what I'm looking for, but the knowledge of such a lack is killing me.
My brother: The knowledge that most people subsist on that shallowness, and never really go any further?
Me: No, the knowledge that I want a real relationship, that the rest are mostly shallow and that I feel like shit without one.
My drive to diagnose and resolve is what drives me nuts. As a corollary, this is why I like House.
My brother: I wish I could be of more help to you, aside from just telling you to stick to your guns.
Me: That's probably the best advice you could give, really.
The problem I have, is that I need to accept the fact that not everything is "Diagnose and resolve."
My brother: That's pretty much what it is, really. However "resolve" is sometimes your acceptance that no further action is possible.
Me: That's the hard part.
Spontaneous conversation we have. It's pretty awesome. Still working on resolving that issue... though perhaps, there's nothing else for me to do right now.
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