“Why don’t you have a girlfriend Joe? It’s just that you’re so cute…”
This is mostly an explanation for my family if they want to read it, and in part for anyone who cares to know why I wrote that old blog post about being frustrated and pissed off at the female gender…
To start this, I need to explain a few personality characteristics and mental aspects of myself.
I think too far down the road. – As I’m talking to a girl I’m even remotely interested in, flashing through my mind are abstractions and ideas of the future. As I’m learning about her, my mind is playing out a relationship all the way out to marriage and death. I’m analyzing the idea of a relationship based on personality characteristics in a person’s speech, mannerisms and history. I ask questions like “Can I see this last?” “Will she disappear half way through?” “Does she seem like the kind of girl that would want to take everything I have if we got together and divorced?” “Does her personality lead me to think what she wants out of the relationship would put me at legal risk?”
So, rather than getting caught up in the moment and just having a good time with women I’m caught up in the next step and am too busy with critical analysis. These critical analyses mean I’m not even paying attention to enjoying my time with people anymore, because I’m constantly watching my back.
And I’m not kidding with some of those questions I just mentioned. So, a lot of it is just thinking too much about “what’s she thinking? Is this going somewhere?” I’m also wickedly dense, and given that I grew up without a female figure in the house, there are a lot of subtle queues that most women would expect a guy like me to get when…. I don’t.
But all that is something I could easily get over. The dilemma is really a bit more analytical than it is just “I’m dense and not thinking about having fun.” It’s about values and value judgments and decision – “Is it really worth it?”
So far, as you all know the answer has been a resounding “No.” Though I suppose I should explain what I mean by value judgments and decision. Part of that explanation of my own mind involves explaining how I think and the values I hold – I’m just going to touch on a few here to hopefully explain my perspective.
This is mostly an explanation for my family if they want to read it, and in part for anyone who cares to know why I wrote that old blog post about being frustrated and pissed off at the female gender…
To start this, I need to explain a few personality characteristics and mental aspects of myself.
I think too far down the road. – As I’m talking to a girl I’m even remotely interested in, flashing through my mind are abstractions and ideas of the future. As I’m learning about her, my mind is playing out a relationship all the way out to marriage and death. I’m analyzing the idea of a relationship based on personality characteristics in a person’s speech, mannerisms and history. I ask questions like “Can I see this last?” “Will she disappear half way through?” “Does she seem like the kind of girl that would want to take everything I have if we got together and divorced?” “Does her personality lead me to think what she wants out of the relationship would put me at legal risk?”
So, rather than getting caught up in the moment and just having a good time with women I’m caught up in the next step and am too busy with critical analysis. These critical analyses mean I’m not even paying attention to enjoying my time with people anymore, because I’m constantly watching my back.
And I’m not kidding with some of those questions I just mentioned. So, a lot of it is just thinking too much about “what’s she thinking? Is this going somewhere?” I’m also wickedly dense, and given that I grew up without a female figure in the house, there are a lot of subtle queues that most women would expect a guy like me to get when…. I don’t.
But all that is something I could easily get over. The dilemma is really a bit more analytical than it is just “I’m dense and not thinking about having fun.” It’s about values and value judgments and decision – “Is it really worth it?”
So far, as you all know the answer has been a resounding “No.” Though I suppose I should explain what I mean by value judgments and decision. Part of that explanation of my own mind involves explaining how I think and the values I hold – I’m just going to touch on a few here to hopefully explain my perspective.
1. Everything begins at the self. Love, to me, is one of the most supremely selfish emotions in existence. If you love someone, it’s because what you see in them is a reflection of your own values – We look up to those we love as a physical representation of everything we believe to be good. Without those values, without the definition of WHAT or WHO to love, one person does not love anything, strictly speaking. (As an aside, we brand those who physically love without discrimination with the word “Whore” while we carry a benevolent view of those who proclaim to love everyone emotionally, without discrimination.)
2. A relationship that revolves around sacrifice and compromise isn’t a relationship. Every good relationship in my eyes, revolves around desire and want, not sacrifice and compromise. People always talk about any relationship as involving effort and sacrifices, and I simply do not understand why sacrifice and compromise would be valuable in a relationship.
Now, when I say sacrifice and compromise, I likely mean something other than what you may be thinking. Giving something of yourself, because you DESIRE to isn’t really a sacrifice.
For example: Selling your Pearl Black ’69 Camaro SS because you know your wife hates it and it’s not something important enough for you to keep is one thing. If you love that Camaro and would be loathe to sell it, but your wife pressures you to do it – That’s sacrifice. And that’s the point at which I grab my keys and drive off into the sunset, never to return again outside a courtroom.
But that’s the point of distinction that I look for….
Now, when I say sacrifice and compromise, I likely mean something other than what you may be thinking. Giving something of yourself, because you DESIRE to isn’t really a sacrifice.
For example: Selling your Pearl Black ’69 Camaro SS because you know your wife hates it and it’s not something important enough for you to keep is one thing. If you love that Camaro and would be loathe to sell it, but your wife pressures you to do it – That’s sacrifice. And that’s the point at which I grab my keys and drive off into the sunset, never to return again outside a courtroom.
But that’s the point of distinction that I look for….
3. I look for someone who happens to be going the same way, and is looking to ride along side me. The previous example would be a change in directions and time to leave. My life comes first to me, and I look for someone who can take the same perspective. I don't want a dependent. I don't want another driver. Maybe Rally Racing is a good analogy - There's a driver and a navigator. I like to drive and happen to know where I'm going most of the time. I'd like to find someone that does the same, and doesn't mind being navigator sometimes, and driving sometimes.
Now those are some basic things I think most people could understand and probably agree with, but those are the platitudes and the emotional associations. Next is the hard logic.
1. The Law. The legal risk in any relationship requires entirely too much vulnerability on my part. If I had any faith in our legal system, that would give me cause to think “Yeah, My rights would be protected and represented in court,” then I’d probably think twice about my perspective on relationships. I mean this in any context, whether it’s in a divorce court or in the face of other charges. I’m not violent, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t get falsely accused of violence by some whack-job woman who held a grudge against me for something. (That whole thinking too far ahead part.) – Even if that kind of thing is rare or so rare it’s silly, I still have to leave myself vulnerable to it in this day and age. (There’s back story there, that involved a friend being wrongfully accused of beating up his girlfriend. Cost him a scholarship, cost his parents their house to legal fees, and he was acquitted after his accuser admitted she lied. He spent the whole time in jail, and killed himself shortly after he was released.)
2. Statistics. The relationship will almost undoubtedly fail. Statistically speaking, I’d have a better chance at winning the lotto if I bought a ticket every week, than I would at finding a relationship that would last as long as the lotto annuity payments, if I talked to a different girl every week. To reiterate: Lotto annuity - 30 years. Likely hood of finding a relationship that would last 30 years is smaller than actually winning the lotto.
3. It’s more expensive than the lotto, too! (Money) I like going out, but I intensely dislike paying for dinner, gas, etc for a girl who may say thank you, but can’t actually show appreciation. I’m not asking for a lay (maybe that’s the problem?), or even physical attention of any kind. I’m asking for actions that show genuine appreciation, and it’s pretty easy to see a false sense of gratitude, no matter your gender. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… “in my experience, women have a limitless capacity to consume without any sense of guilt or appreciation.” (Please take note of the implications behind the words “In my experience.”)
I also have no desire to hitch myself to a woman that has the capacity to take everything I own and have worked for through the duration of a marriage. That doesn’t mean I desire to take the house, furniture, cars and everything I could. It just means that I wouldn’t want my earnings and what I worked for to be taken from me by force, via divorce court. To me the word “Alimony” reads as “Alley-Money” and the court is the back alley where the mugging occurs.
I also have no desire to hitch myself to a woman that has the capacity to take everything I own and have worked for through the duration of a marriage. That doesn’t mean I desire to take the house, furniture, cars and everything I could. It just means that I wouldn’t want my earnings and what I worked for to be taken from me by force, via divorce court. To me the word “Alimony” reads as “Alley-Money” and the court is the back alley where the mugging occurs.
4. Commitment. I laugh to myself when I see shows that talk about how unwilling to commit Men are. Most of what I’ve discovered as of late is the trend toward non-committed relationships, particularly in women. I posted something on Facebook a while back about the Gay community having to fight for marriage while straight folks are fighting to get out of it… The subtext was how common it is to find people in relationships where marriage is out of the question and even then, how many aren’t willing to label themselves as a “Couple.” I’m actually kind of envious at the desire so many gay couples have for such commitment. I wish I could find women my age that are so eager for the same thing.
But commitment has to mean something, and when divorce has become the legalized trivial ceremony it is today, it’s meaningless.
Yet still, I want and expect a commitment. Not a commitment to sacrifice for the relationship, but a vow that says “Should my heart travel down another road, you’ll be the first to know.” One that says I’m the object of the wants and desires of the woman making such a commitment.
I hope most of you know me well enough to realize that the traditional religious institution of marriage is not relevant here.
But commitment has to mean something, and when divorce has become the legalized trivial ceremony it is today, it’s meaningless.
Yet still, I want and expect a commitment. Not a commitment to sacrifice for the relationship, but a vow that says “Should my heart travel down another road, you’ll be the first to know.” One that says I’m the object of the wants and desires of the woman making such a commitment.
I hope most of you know me well enough to realize that the traditional religious institution of marriage is not relevant here.
5. The Cost-Benefit Analysis – To the right eye, I’ve just run the prospect of a relationship through a SWOT analysis. I suppose its just how I think. I’d love to have a girlfriend for the obvious reasons and for the less-than obvious reasons. My cat keeps me company in some ways, but will never be the same as an awesome girl. No one will ever give me the objective feedback a woman would. No one could drive me to excel, smack me when I step out of line or take care of me as well as a woman could.
I’d love to find a girlfriend, but right now the potential risks outweigh the possible benefits. I know what you’re thinking; “Dude, it’s not a matter of analysis man, this is just nuts! I think you missed the point somewhere!” No, no I didn’t. The opposing argument says that all this analysis is meaningless, than I should just follow my heart, fall in love and none of this analytical crap will matter – I get it, except… I grew beyond letting my heart make decisions about my life. Now a days, my mind leads and my heart follows. I put my heart on point once about 2 years ago and was let down as expected.
I’d love to find a girlfriend, but right now the potential risks outweigh the possible benefits. I know what you’re thinking; “Dude, it’s not a matter of analysis man, this is just nuts! I think you missed the point somewhere!” No, no I didn’t. The opposing argument says that all this analysis is meaningless, than I should just follow my heart, fall in love and none of this analytical crap will matter – I get it, except… I grew beyond letting my heart make decisions about my life. Now a days, my mind leads and my heart follows. I put my heart on point once about 2 years ago and was let down as expected.
To my family: I’m not gay. But I’m not impressed with the current selection, either.
To those that read the blog post: It’s just a matter of finding someone that makes all this bullshit worth it. I haven’t found one yet, and after years of looking, one gets frustrated. But then again… some of those that read the previous blog post might still get offended by this post.
To those that read the blog post: It’s just a matter of finding someone that makes all this bullshit worth it. I haven’t found one yet, and after years of looking, one gets frustrated. But then again… some of those that read the previous blog post might still get offended by this post.
