A conversation between me and my brother.

Me: ... Thanks dude.

My Brother: No Problemo.

Me: Question, does gratitude in this context carry any more or less weight than it would if it was spoken?

My brother: Wall of text warning...

Me: In truth, I already know what you'll say, and I already understand it. I'm just trying to imply that there's something else in the background. But please, wall of text me.

My brother: What more is there in the background? The nature of our relationship carries with it an understanding that, usually, implies gratitude.

Me: Never in my life have I had a relationship wherein the implication of that nature was so obvious that I KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt that gratitude was there. Not with you, not with Dad, not with a woman or anyone else in this world. I've come close with two people, you and one other. I've spoken before of my mild Misogyny. It's because I don't believe that women are capable of understanding on that level. In fact, I wonder if ANYONE is so similar to myself, male or female, that a bond of that nature is possible.
So, I'll admit... I compromise. A life barren and devoid of social contact would be far worse in my eyes, than one of empty but present relationships.
In truth, I've yet to find a fulfilling personal relationship with much of anyone, beyond perhaps you and Jonathan. But even that's on the border.
Dad thinks my expectations are too high... I'm starting to agree.

My brother: I know, and that is one of the things that causes a rift in our relationship which impedes upon the level of understanding necessary to truly understand emotions implied within a relationship like that. - In reference to what I said a few lines ago, by the way.

Me: What? My desire to have a personal relationship, even if it's empty, or knowledge of gratitude without explicit statement?

My brother: I mean specifically in our relationship.

Me: well right, you realize though, that you're asking for the same thing religion does?

My brother: Nah. For example, what I mean in regards to us, is that your desire for social contact, even if it is mostly empty is not something I desire, and can only relate to on the minor level of understanding the degree of loneliness associated with strict guidelines as to whom I'm willing to associate and make a connection.
It's a pretty fundamental difference between our values regarding ourselves and humanity which impedes on the level of connection and understanding with which words are often unnecessary.

Me: So, I guess I'm just left wondering why I hold such a value in social interaction. Well, I mean I know... but...

My brother: It's not that it is less of a value to me than it is to you, I'm just unwilling to compromise my standards in regards to who I consider a friend no matter how painful and lonely it might get.

Me: Doesn't it ever make you feel horrible though?

My brother: Sure, but it makes me feel worse to hang out with people with whom I share little to no connection, and with whom I'm forced to be someone I'm not to try and force a connection that's not there.

Me: Then I'm wondering why I feel better when I'm hanging out with people I'm not really connected with... thought often times I don't. I just think I have a hard time coping with the loneliness.

My brother: Possibly, and I don't blame you. It sucks ass.

Me: I think that "sucks ass" is where I stop and go... "well why not? Maybe there's something there I'm missing?"

My brother: Maybe, and if it makes you happy to hang out with people, even if you don't share any connection at all, then go for it.

Me: It does and it doesn't. In the end I'm still alone. It's really just a bandaid. Covers the problem for the time being, but it doesn't really solve anything.
A lot of people are at a state of perpetual human contact, and never really realize their relationships are probably pretty empty. They maintain a "high" of sorts for a very long time and never really have a relationship that's significant enough to fill the entire void. I think I realize that's what I'm looking for, but the knowledge of such a lack is killing me.

My brother: The knowledge that most people subsist on that shallowness, and never really go any further?

Me: No, the knowledge that I want a real relationship, that the rest are mostly shallow and that I feel like shit without one.
My drive to diagnose and resolve is what drives me nuts. As a corollary, this is why I like House.

My brother: I wish I could be of more help to you, aside from just telling you to stick to your guns.

Me: That's probably the best advice you could give, really.
The problem I have, is that I need to accept the fact that not everything is "Diagnose and resolve."

My brother: That's pretty much what it is, really. However "resolve" is sometimes your acceptance that no further action is possible.

Me: That's the hard part.


Spontaneous conversation we have. It's pretty awesome. Still working on resolving that issue... though perhaps, there's nothing else for me to do right now.