Seventeen Years Ago...

September, 1993 Not sure what day, but it was about 2:30pm, as school let out.

I was in the 5th grade I think. I remember running across the dirt field where they held field day in May each year. I was excited for it next year - I always thought myself a runner and often took first or second place in years before, and wanted another chance to race. I ran up the hill toward the path that lead into the neighborhood, to get home. This was the first year Chris was in middle school, and no matter how much we fought, I always felt comfortable with him walking home - He's my big brother and as long as we're together we'll be safe. Without him, I had been scared walking home and really didn't like it.

As I got to the top of the hill, I saw mom's car along side the road and my heart swelled up. I figured mom was home early and this was another of her surprises I always loved. I ran to the car and opened the door to an even better one - Grandpa. I had always called him "my buddy" though in retrospect, I don't think he was much one for kids in a lot of ways, or at least kids at my age. Regardless, he smiled at me and said hello. I had asked him why he was here; In the past Dad brought me out to see the family and outside of special events, Grandma and Grandpa never came out to Colorado. The one thing about Clyde I always had a great deal of respect for was something, to this day, I never got out of many people - He was honest in the truest sense of the word. He told me "Your mother is in the hospital, and has a tumor on her lung, but it may be benign and not malignant, we're not sure." I had understood the words, even malignant and benign (Dad always used more complex vocabulary with my brother and I, something I am STILL thankful for) but I didn't truly grasp their meaning. I couldn't have really told you the difference between malignant and benign, except that they were opposite each other in some fashion. All I had known was Mom was sick, but I got the sense she would be ok.

What had seemed like two years, but was really a matter of months had gone by. I never had a doubt in my mind that Mom would be ok. I had never heard (or at least not remembered) that they confirmed the tumor was malignant. I was upset because the big couch that I loved got moved out of the house and replaced with a hospital bed. This meant that the TV was mostly off limits which meant no video games, but Grandpa had bought Chris a personal TV and he had bought a Super Nintendo with money he saved from a summer job. I was really jealous. That was the foremost thing on my mind - I didn't think much about Mom and her being bed-ridden in the living room. I figured it was just part of what she had to do to get better, so Grandma and Grandpa could leave and we could go back to the way we lived before. I figured it was a matter of time.
We still went to see Dad who seemed disconnected from my life since Mom and Dad's divorce - I hadn't really connected with him much at that point. It took time for us to do so... as it turned out, it took us a lot longer than it was probably "supposed" to.

At home, I was still waiting for Mom to get better. I was confused, I wanted to do something but knew there was nothing I could. Mom would smile at me and had told me that she was eating buttered crackers instead of smoking - Something she had a hard time with even though she was sick. I later found out; She quit cold-turkey when she knew she was pregnant with my brother and I.

I had watched her hair fall out a few months earlier, though she wore some bandana kind of thing. She was always very thin on account of her diet, but now was almost skeletal. She had become jaundice because of the chemotherapy and her eyes were a tinge of yellow. I didn't know what to say, or think. I just wanted her to be Mom again but physically, she couldn't. I had heard something about "it" spreading to her colon and her bone marrow. - Again I knew the words but translating them into something I understood was beyond me at that point.

In early April I was called out of school I was kind of excited I got away from class, but when I saw my Grandma, I wasn't sure what to think. I was to go see Mom in the hospital. I had wondered why she was there and Grandma told me that there was a problem at home and Mom had to be rushed to the hospital - I still don't know what exactly happened. We went and saw Mom, I gave her a hug and told her I loved her, then was taken out of the room.

Chris and I were at home some nights later and Grandma and Grandpa were told they had to go to the hospital. I wanted to go with and see Mom. I was told I couldn't. Chris and I stayed home and played video games, and after a few minutes, I stopped and looked at him. "I think she's about to die." "No dude, it'll be okay. Let's just keep playing, she'll be fine."

That morning my Grandparents told me I shouldn't go to school, and should stay home. I wanted to be excited I got to skip school but I knew something was wrong - Later that afternoon, my Grandma told me and my brother, that mom had died the night before. I was off by a matter of minutes.